I am more than my pain //I am beyond these physical signs of trauma
I am so much more than the scars and bruises, the stitches that hold together broken skin.
I am more than these marks.
Physical, mental, emotional suffering – it matters not.
They are signs of battles endured.
They are merely stories that have shaped me, that have taught me, but do not define me.
And though I may carry these signs of pain forever.
Though I may be forever physically hindered.
My spirit doesn’t give a damn.
My soul is immeasurable.
My strength is infinite.
The cage has been ripped open.
I am more than this hurt.
So I rise.
And I soar.
It’s been a little over a week since my hip surgery and already it’s been a massive undertaking in terms of learning and reflection. For weeks I spent hours researching how best to heal from such an intense procedure. But nothing could really prepare me for this experience. The initial pain was certainly excruciating – I haven’t felt such intensity in my entire life. Fortunately I have managed to become used to having two crutches as companions and have grown accustomed to walking as if I’m a pirate with a peg leg. What has been the most difficult throughout this entire process is learning how to utilize my time when I’m not in constant motion – how not to get sucked into the depths of my sofa in a television daze. I’ve got so much time on my hands now that I don’t even know what to do with myself.
But it’s all a part of the experience. No one said this was going to be a journey free from obstacles and frustrations. And while I’ve certainly had days thus far where I feel sluggish, indifferent and on edge, I’m realizing that simplicity in life is so rare. And these “simpler” days of recovery where I can enrich my mind with something like literature should be wholly cherished. It’s been a rewiring of the psyche to appreciate the necessary art of stillness and solitude – truly getting to know myself on a much more personal and loving manner. We’re programmed to be such “doers” in this world. So I’m striving to bask in the light and privilege of being able to do a lot less than usual.
It’s a sensitive time energetically – with the often overwhelming zeal that accompanies the new year and with Mercury currently in retrograde, a cosmic time that reminds us to stay grounded and open with ourselves and others. It’s an adjustment period to say the very least as we shed old skins, form new habits and strive towards our divine purposes. Electrifying and frightening all at the same time. And we may catch ourselves feeling weighed down from this heavy force of transformation and transition.
It takes baby steps, awareness, being much more gentle with ourselves. We have to let our emotions be what they truly are. There is no use in trying to shove them out or bury them beneath even more thoughts. We have to feel what we feel when we feel it, regardless if what we feel is pure joy or utter despair. And no matter what emotion is passing through us any given day, we must never forget to express gratitude – wherever we are, no matter our circumstance.. Turn our disabilities into our strength. Be open in our hearts and believe in miracles For in the end nothing can make us happy, nothing but our own selves and our own mindsets. It’s a tough lesson to learn, a test of patience and willpower in my experience. But in order to manifest miracles in our daily lives, we have to let the magic in first.